Thursday, September 23, 2004

Coming Soon....

Hello faithful readers,
A couple of you dirty dogs (Mom, Carolyn) have asked when the next offensive will be posted. I am currently booty-deep in a writing project that will keep me from blogging for a couple of weeks, but don't worry, I shall return soon enough with more Tales of Interest.

Feel free to email questions or stories of your own, which I will happily post. This means you, Pino.


Friday, September 03, 2004

RNC: Thursday: An Open Letter to the Unborn Babies of America

September 3, 2004

Dear Unborn Babies,

Last night in his nomination acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, the President of the United States of America gave a place in our society to you, our unborn children. True, he did call you the weakest members, but members nonetheless, and, Unborn Babies, as many people who live in this country will surely attest, being a second class citizen is certainly better than not being one at all! For instance, only some of you will have to work for less than minimum wage. A good portion of you won’t be unemployed. And none of you will be French! All because you can look forward to being born in the great U.S. of A.

Of course, for those of you with gay, Black, Latino, poor, immigrant, or otherwise politically, socially and economically disenfranchised parents, we have had to slightly demote you to third class citizenship for now.

But that’s only until you’re born! At that time, those of you whose parents are lucky enough to be blessed with the miracle of health insurance will immediately become normal, second class citizens. Just by being born, Third Class Unborn Babies, you’re already ahead! In some ways, you are the most special Unborn Babies of all, for all around you, right this very moment, there are beautiful “opportunity zones” being built, where your chances at tax relief, acceptable housing, and job training at Burger King will be moderate—at least! Yes Babies, where there was once ghetto, soon there shall be “o.z.,” a wondrous place where buildings fall from the sky, straw men in ripped clothes dance with pretty young girls, and hypnotic red poppies lull you to sleep every night. Oh just imagine the fun you’ll have!

And I am hopeful, because there are so many of you out there right now without a trace of fetal alcohol syndrome, HIV, crack addiction, diabetes, sickle-cell anemia or birth deformities in your precious blood. You will grow up to be valued helpmeats to your first class brothers. Because of the important services you will provide--in delis, carparks and Old Navy retail stores everywhere--they’ll grow healthy and strong, able to compete amongst each other at the top prep schools and Ivy League colleges. In the end, this competition will produce the most powerful, intelligent and well-spoken men to lead our country into victory against the evil terrorists. The proof is in the powder, Babies, and his name is George W. Bush. Doesn’t it make you feel good, already, to be part of something as important as that?

Well it should. And the truth is that our President is actively working on a plan to ensure that this great arc of humanity continues down the proper path. I know that there exists a great fear among Unborn Babies of all classes. I don’t want to upset the more sheltered of your ranks, so let me just say that there is a calamity that no Unborn Baby--even the most courageous among you--can withstand. It is a terrible, horrifying tragedy that begins with an “A” and ends with an “ortion.” I think you know what I’m talking about, Babies. But never fear, the barbaric practice will soon be a thing of the past.

That’s right. Our great leader has set out to make sure that never again will your mommies--be they Brooklyn hipsters or promising Texan debutantes--shed you like so many unwelcome pounds. So put your minds at ease Babies; most of you are making it out of here alive, and for each one of you whose parents, for whatever reason, cannot raise you in the ways they see fit, there is a welcoming foster home in New Jersey, where food, freedom, and the right to live an unmolested existence might just be yours for the taking.

The time is now, Unborn Babies, to seize the bright opportunities this shining country is offering. Your destinies are all inextricably bound up in the destiny of America. For, with freedom, comes responsibility. And true responsibility goes hand in hand with great Faith. But that is another lesson, for another day. I’ll see you in grade school, Unborn Babies. Until then, remember the words of your most humble servant, George W. Bush: “Freedom is not America’s gift to the world, it is the Almighty God’s gift to every man and woman [ed note: and Unborn Baby!] in this world.”