Haiku for Jonathan Safran Foer

"Hey, one thing you can do, which I didn't know before tonight, is when you get drunk, you can piss it out. You can do it in an actual toilet, or you can do it in a bush or whatever. Then you should be able to screw her just fine. [Belch]."--Paul

It's Saturday night of Halloween weekend. We here at Dear Screwsan just flipped our last ten bucks on a terrible horror movie called "Saw," that didn't even live up to its gore-tential and now we are at our boyfriend's apartment, where said boyfriend is trying to figure out how to make Leisure Suit Larry hump some shelf-boobed trick named Harriet under instruction from his roommate, Paul. But he [Larry] is drunk, and apparently not rising to the XBox occasion. There is only one thing for this sad state of affairs, and that is to write beautiful poetry to our fake boyfriend, author Jonathan Safran Foer.

Here is some haiku.

Alone in Eastern Europe
JSF makes notes
Write a best-selling novel!

It's true, everything you write
Makes us cry and laugh
And also want to kiss you

The only other writer
We've liked as much is
Denis Johnson. Not as cute.

Birnbaum interviews Foer,
Tries to bait Foer,
Foer says, "I am grateful."

At Princeton: Joyce Carol Oates
Jeff Eugenides
We could teach you something too.

Has there ever been a more
appealing face mole?
No, not since Cindy Crawford